I just said no to someone who I think is so attractive….what is wrong with me?!?!

I guess it’s a good thing I said no though…but still…

LIKE GOD DAMN.

The fact that I’m graduating has really opened my eyes. I know that I’m not graduating college or anything but I am starting a new chapter in my life. With this new chapter I want to change so many things about how my life is. It’s going to be hard but I know if I can do all this then I’ll finally be a little bit happy. My life hasn’t always been rainbows and butterflies and for anyone who thinks that I have an easy life, you don’t know how wrong you are. I’ve always put everyone else before worrying about myself and I will always do that. But with this new attitude, I’m trying to look out for myself every once in a while.

So I’ve decided I want to be healthier. I know I say that I’m going to start dieting all the time, and it works for the first few days or so but I know when I say it this time, it’s going to be different. I’ve only just started dieting last Sunday and I’ve been really good about this one. I haven’t eaten any junk food. I stay away from soda, unless it’s coke zero….that stuff is just so good! and I’m eating smaller portions. I don’t eat after 9 pm and I eat 3 times a day. I run every single day for a few miles as well. It’s only been a week and I know the first week you loose the most weight. I lost 10 lbs. I know that’s a huge difference and I’m so glad I lost that much. It’s going to be harder trying to loose more but I think if I keep it up then I’ll be able to get in shape and be comfortable in my body. That’s all I want. To be comfortable. I don’t want to be self conscious around people. I have a stomach and I know that. I’m always aware of it. I want to get to a point where I don’t have to worry abut what I look like around people.

Along with dieting, I’ve decided to start/end certain relationships. Because graduation is over, it means that I don’t have to put up with certain people anymore. I don’t have to see their faces everyday. I don’t have to talk to them. I can count on my hands who I will stay in contact with, but other then that, everyone can go. It’s harsh to say it like that but a lot of my high school friendships where total shit. I was used and hurt and there was just so much drama. I started up friendships again with the people I lost contact with as school progressed. My childhood friends. Those are the only ones I really care for. I grew up with certain select few people and I know those are the only relationships I care to keep. It may be weird but, some of those guys I went to elementary school with have always been my good friends. Even if we lost touch or haven’t talked to each other in a while, we can pick right up from where we last left off. That’s when I know our friendship is worth keeping. When I know I have that special connection or bond.

Next comes ending relationships. I don’t like doing it.Right now there’s only one specific relationship I’m talking about. I don’t want to, but it’s for the better. I need to look out for myself and when I know something is pointless and it’s going to go no where, I need to stop it. It hurts me to not talk to him and text him but it’s for the better. I wish I could talk to him. I really do. But I don’t because I know I’ll be roped into doing something I don’t want to. I became a bit attached and I’ll admit to that. I didn’t think I was going to in the beginning and the fact that I did, opened my eyes. I needed to step away before I became really attached. Thank god I wasn’t at that point where all I could think about was him because I would have been screwed then. It sucks not talking to him but because nothing can ever come out of our relationship it’s for the better to stop it completely. 

I’m not sure if any of this really makes sense because it’s 2 in the morning and I’m tired as eff. I just needed to get this all off of my chest before I went to bed. I just needed to get all this pent up frustrations and worries and confessions out. When I type it out and put it on here, it’s like a weight is lifted off my shoulders a bit. Anyways, now that that is over with, I’m going to bed.